Anima and Nightmares
April 14, 2010
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I’ve been rather fixated on health problems and work stress lately and it’s pretty clear in my sleep. I’ve been having terrible nightmares. The most recent one woke me up in a panic and tears.
I don’t know where I was but I was driving along a road and came to a stop at an intersection. When I had the green light again, I pulled forward into the intersection and was immediately slammed on the passenger side by a large vehicle (18-wheeler? moving truck?). I was ejected from the vehicle, survived, and was brought to the ER. The pain was unreal. Gabe was in the waiting room and the hospital staff wouldn’t let him in. I was screaming and pulling and fighting the staff. They had to tie me down to the bed and I still pulled and fought. This went on for ages in the dream. Then I woke up at 3 am with a fever, nausea, and intense pain in the upper right of my abdomen where it has been for the last 2+ weeks. I cried.
This has been insane. I got the bills for the ER visit 2 weeks ago and I have no idea how to pay them. I can’t pay them. (At this point, I would like to remind you of Michelle’s post on health care and the reform. My friend Michelle is an American student studying in Germany.) I’m having difficulties obtaining health insurance and cannot proceed any further on getting cared for until I do. And, I’m either vomiting or nauseated, in pain all the time, can’t move normally, and fear another visit to a doctor to get help because I simply cannot afford it. I’m already in tears over physical and financial pain. I can’t deal with anymore.
I’ve often thought of myself as the fabulous phoenix: burning down to nothing and then returning to life. But over the last few weeks, I’m beginning to think I may actually be Anima.