Commenting on Beautifully Strong today reminded me that I have some things I’ve been meaning to work out through writing. At one point, I had intended this blog as a place to post semi-polished thought experiments and reflections, it still is, but I plan on including ideas that are in process, too.
This past year has been one of the hardest, but best, years of my life. I have written about it off and on, and in varying levels of detail on this and my previous blog. Quick recap: This time last year, I was married but not happy. So, I separated from my husband. A few weeks later, I learned that I would not be returning to the school I had been teaching at. Having BPD and PTSD, this sent me headlong into a manic phase where I practically stopped eating, started exercising more than was healthy, and engaged in various coping methods of varying health ratings. (Read that as I was pretty much all over the charts.) Somehow, I managed to keep myself out of serious trouble, and made my way to Boston where I began putting my life back together.
All in all, I’m in a good place considering everything. However, I have a few things I have to work on. And these things are challenging, to say the least.
When I became manic and stopped eating, I lost close to 23 lbs. Granted, I was about 8 lbs. off my healthy weight because of where I was mentally and emotionally last winter, so I really lost about 15 lbs. that I didn’t really need to lose. Good thing: I was still in my healthy range. Bad thing: I wasn’t eating and I lost the weight too quickly. When my life became more emotionally stable and my eating habits improved, I gained the weight back quickly as fat. I still fit in my clothes, but I don’t feel healthy or my best because, one, I had grown accustomed to being at a lower weight, and two, I had developed a mild eating disorder. One of my health goals for my 28th year is to achieve well-being and balance with my eating and exercise habits. I hope to attain that lower weight again, but I want to do it slowly and healthfully this time.
I’m lucky that I have two great friends who are inspirations to achieving health and fitness: Amy and Jen. Amy, as you know from the last post, got me out running two years ago and we’re running a 10k in the spring. And Jen inspires me with her own fitness and eating changes.
Re-creating a healthy self-image will be difficult, but will be done.