After her solo albums in 1987 and 1992, Patty Smyth, formerly of the rock band Scandal, recorded a hit duo with Don Henley of the Eagles, “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough.” It’s one of those songs I always knew the lyrics to and would absent-mindedly sing to in the car on those long dark stretches of Maine highway when it came on the oldies or soft-rock station as I flipped through. I never thought much of it.
Until tonight. It hit me as I was walking around this sea port that I know just what she meant.
And there’s no way home
When its late at night and you’re all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay
And there’s a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it’s your heart they can’t touch.
There’s a reason why people don’t stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain’t enough.
Baby sometimes love just ain’t enough.
I love AT. And I miss him. And he’s one of my homes. But there is so much between us now. We’re separated, and we have been separated since February. There is so much between us now. I’ve changed. He’s changed. We’ve both adapted to life apart. I don’t know if there is a path home anymore. And if I did find a way there, would it be as warm and as comforting as it once was? Would I stay, or would I leave once more?
When I separated from him it was because I felt lost and empty. I needed to go and explore some and see who I am. After that, I began feeling hurt and resentful. I started sleeping in the guest bed; I began finding fault with him; and I began sharing the faults with some people close to me. I shouldn’t have. One should never speak ill of another because you never know the circumstances. And that should go doubly for me. I’ll explain later.
It was later that AT approached me about filing for divorce as it would allow greater freedom for exploration since we weren’t sure how long it would take or if I’d be back.
We filed for divorce the day before our 1-year wedding anniversary.
And now I miss him. In waves. And feel empty. And feel lost. And feel numb. And feel detached. From everyone. This is how I always feel. I have felt this way since childhood. Numb and empty. And lost.
I always feel disconnected. From myself. From others. From the world. From everything. I have no place. I don’t belong anywhere or with anyone.
Will I always feel this lost and detached? Did I leave AT because my head doesn’t work normally? Or did I lose my way? Or did it just not work?
While exploring and traveling, I met Lilith. She and I were thrown together and our relationship has been tempered through many fires. She told me she noticed personality changes, drastic ones, and that she thought she was going to have to put me in my place at one point. Over dinner one night when she was seeking to care for me as I have been depressed lately, I told her about my mental health. I have C-PTSD, and more than one therapist has suggested borderline personality disorder. She said it made sense.
I have been molested, repeatedly. And raped, repeatedly. By non-caregivers.
I was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused since early childhood through senior year of high school. By my parents. In adulthood my parents continued the emotional abuse.
The C-PTSD, and possible BPD, makes me function differently. And again, all because of the actions of others. Still angry. And hurt. And empty.
Did I leave AT because there was a good reason? Or did I leave because my body and brain do not function correctly? And, moreover, can I find my way home?
Only time and therapy will tell.
Sometimes love just ain’t enough.