image from ^riza^ on flickr
Ever since the separation took place, I’ve been asking myself, and have been asked, “what do you want?”
I keep answering, “I don’t know.”
That’s always been my answer though. I want everything, but nothing. I want something but am not sure what it is.
I realized today that I do know what I want, I’ve always wanted it, and it’s very simple.
I want to be appreciated, loved, and safe. That’s really it. Those are the mountains.
The hills of what I want are: to be the best English teacher I can be; find a community to settle down in that supports me as a person and as a professional; live in one place for more than 2 years (it would be a record!), and by in one place, I mean in one home; to travel within and without the U. S.; to develop my spirituality and deepen my practice; to become a healer; to publish one of the many novels I’ve written; to continue to set and obtain new goals; to be married to someone who wants to be married to me.
The stones of what I want are: to work through my list of books to read; to knit and knit some more; to increase my running ability; to get into better shape; to find a place to live this summer after I obtain a new teaching position; to settle in and make my new place my home; to have a gun dog named Adelaide, Ade for short; to have a cat named Niea.
I’m taking it one day at a time and one step at a time. I’m making sure to show the loved ones in my life how much they mean to me by word and deed. And I’m trying to make sure I don’t slide backwards like I keep wanting to do.
“Go back?” [s]he thought. “No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible. Go forward? The only thing to do. On we go!” So up [s]he got.
– Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit, ch. 5.
(The image in today’s post is from ^riza^’s photostream on Flickr.)