a girl and her boy

. daily life : wool obsession : bibliomania : living on purpose .

What you've all been waiting for:

I’m ready to speak again.

Over the last month, my life has gone through some transformations that I could only speculate the far-reaching effects of prior to them. The whole construction of my life is different now. Here’s the run down. (This has all been announced and discussed with the people directly involved, so don’t worry about that!)

After six-months of marriage, Allan and I are separated and are seeking an anullment. It’s not for lack of love or dedication, it’s because there are some things within myself that I have been ignoring, needs that I have been pushing aside, growth that I have been stifling. After waking up empty and aimless for the last two years and attributing it to every reason other than the true reason, I decided it was time to do something about it. I started scanning my life for reasons for my discontent and simple compliance. I had been overlooking the obvious:  my  history of abuse has caused me to be co-dependent and I have severe PTSD.

These conditions together have hedged me in and I’ve acquiesed to a life that is not unpleasant, but that is devoid of verve and growth. After months of reflection and discussion with good friends, I had the talk with Allan. He was understandably upset at first, but he completely understands my needs and loves me enough to allow me to move on and seek well-being.

I have since accepted some things about myself that will allow growth and healing to occur:  I have accepted that I have a history full of pain, hurt, and anger; I have accepted that I have been a shell of the person I can and wish to be; I have accepted the true nature of my spirituality and have allowed it to blossom.

I have a long journey ahead but I feel prepared and supported. I have embarked on the journey of a lifetime.

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6 responses to “What you've all been waiting for:

  1. knittinandnoodlin March 29, 2009 at 9:05 am

    *hugs* Accepting things is a huge first step toward healing…and it is a very brave step. I’m sending lots of love and healing thoughts your way.

  2. jc March 29, 2009 at 9:53 am

    Hey there lil’ bee. What a difficult time you have had. What courage to claim for yourself what your soul needs. I’ll be cheering you on.

  3. allison March 29, 2009 at 10:01 am

    Acceptance, change, and healing are very live processes indeed. You are a strong person and most certainly will rise above.

  4. Michelle Glauser March 29, 2009 at 10:25 am

    I can’t really think of much to say that would help other than just to tell you that I’m hear reading, listening.

  5. LittleWit March 29, 2009 at 11:04 am

    *hugs* I hope things come together for you and you find hat you are looking for. Good luck on your journey.

  6. Holly March 30, 2009 at 8:12 am

    I will be the first to admit that I fully do not understand PTSD, although I live with a Veteran that has it. What I do know, though, is that every day/every situation can be a challenge and that you have to be flexible and patient. My husband sees a therapist every week and without her in our lives, I’m not sure how he would cope. She has helped him (and me understand his ways better) A LOT. I am glad that you are seeking the help that you need to help you through. You are strong and you will get through this with a better understanding of yourself. Know that I am always, always here for you. You know how to get in touch with me if you need me. Please do not hesitate to contact me. I’m a good listener and have broad shoulders. {HUGS}

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