What you've all been waiting for:
March 29, 2009
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I’m ready to speak again.
Over the last month, my life has gone through some transformations that I could only speculate the far-reaching effects of prior to them. The whole construction of my life is different now. Here’s the run down. (This has all been announced and discussed with the people directly involved, so don’t worry about that!)
After six-months of marriage, Allan and I are separated and are seeking an anullment. It’s not for lack of love or dedication, it’s because there are some things within myself that I have been ignoring, needs that I have been pushing aside, growth that I have been stifling. After waking up empty and aimless for the last two years and attributing it to every reason other than the true reason, I decided it was time to do something about it. I started scanning my life for reasons for my discontent and simple compliance. I had been overlooking the obvious: my history of abuse has caused me to be co-dependent and I have severe PTSD.
These conditions together have hedged me in and I’ve acquiesed to a life that is not unpleasant, but that is devoid of verve and growth. After months of reflection and discussion with good friends, I had the talk with Allan. He was understandably upset at first, but he completely understands my needs and loves me enough to allow me to move on and seek well-being.
I have since accepted some things about myself that will allow growth and healing to occur: I have accepted that I have a history full of pain, hurt, and anger; I have accepted that I have been a shell of the person I can and wish to be; I have accepted the true nature of my spirituality and have allowed it to blossom.
I have a long journey ahead but I feel prepared and supported. I have embarked on the journey of a lifetime.