a girl and her boy

. daily life : wool obsession : bibliomania : living on purpose .

Reflections and Decisions

The last two days have swallowed me whole emotionally speaking. All the stress that has been building up from being separated from Allan, from my first year of teaching, from being sick for a month, and dealing with huge snow storm after huge snow storm broke yesterday when I was out to lunch with some colleagues from the Master of Arts in Teaching program at UMaine. We were checking in over sandwiches at Harvest Moon in Orono, and when it came to me, I spilled all the troubles I’ve bottled up for months and nearly started sobbing on the spot. It was not fun. And then, of course, I was very confused about everything in life: my career, my relationship, my current trajectory in life, all of it. I was ready to cash in my chips and quit. But I didn’t.

After lunch, I went to Fiberphilia and got in some fiber therapy. I caressed the Noro and dreamed of the Rowan. And I swooned over the alpaca silk. Then I sat down in the sun room, with The Knitter’s Book of Yarn, flipped through, and spilled my troubles all over again. This is the first time I’ve talked out all my current stresses and it happened twice in one day. And both times, my listener(s) were wonderful, caring, and supportive.

I have to say that knitting is what has kept me sane and alive all these years, and especially in my current situation. I had a very troubled childhood and I knit my way through it. And now, with my current challenges, I’m finding the same strength through knitting. It allows me an opportunity to achieve a zen-like state, meditate on my troubles, and find a solution. The one I’ve come to is this: be patient, be firm, stay where I am.

My relationship is wonderful. I was shaken simply because my past has not given me experience with solidity. Whenever things have been shaken up everything, literally everything, changes. My friends, my living situation, my occupations (outside of knitting and reading), and at times, my personality. And now, I have this firm foundation in Allan, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I was very confused. But through journaling and meditation, I’ve come to realize that I have everything I need and want. I just need to learn to trust the stability.

I will stick with my school and with teaching; the school through the end of the year, and teaching for at least five years. After that? Who knows.

I’ve done so much thinking and journaling while trying to figure out how I feel and what I want. I keep breaking it down to the following:

  • I want to be loved.
  • I want to love.
  • I want to be in a stable relationship.
  • I want to be in a stable living situation.
  • I want to be able to express my creativity freely.
  • I want to be able to explore the capabilities of my body through exercise.
  • Some day I want to either own or participate in a tea house/fiber store/book nook.
  • I will make changes if I ever find myself truly unhappy in my living situation.

All of these things are possible and/or present within my current relationship and life trajectory. I’ve found more peace than I’ve had in several months after realizing this. I am content despite the daily challenges of a temporary long-distance relationship and a difficult career.

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2 responses to “Reflections and Decisions

  1. Allison February 22, 2008 at 10:01 am

    Wow, your list sounds very similar to my own. Basically just love and be happy. I want to sub freelance writing for your tea/book/fiber store, but otherwise I completely identify!

  2. jc February 22, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    I like your thinking Ms. Bee. My childhood, full of anger and drama left emotional imprint where I found comfort with suffering, and restlessness in times of peace. Adulthood found me creating situations where the crazy external demands (med school & training) gave me a sense of importance and self worth- but really not acknowledging the anxiety and restlessness within. Saturn will leave you this time healthy, centered and full of love. Just think of the fun you have over the next 30 years, creating memories to reflect on in middle age.

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